Raising Teens in 2016

Raising Teens

We had been hearing her name a lot over the course of a few weeks: Maria is traveling to Canada for Spring Break. Oh, Maria is so tired from the traveling. Maria loves pancakes. Yea, Maria really enjoyed that movie too.

That sort of talk from my fourteen year old. Every weekend he sleeps in each morning till we notice the late hour and call out. He eats breakfast at 11A and lunch at 3P. I guess it didn’t bother me so much. He was bringing home good grades from honors classes. He’s still going to two hour sports practices each week. I wished he would be more social with friends face to face. During this school year, we noticed a dramatic increase in gaming online with a group of people. They chit chat about their lives, tease each other, tell jokes. But we don’t know these kids, their families, the locations of their homes. This year, my son has spent less time inviting friends over.

One day, he took a shower, came running down the steps and announced he was meeting up with friends at the school. He hopped on his bike and said he’d be back in a few hours. This was before 10a on a Saturday. Who are these people? I later found out SHE had texted him with the invite.

In the weeks that followed, he seemed in a stable, content mood. He settled into a routine every afternoon after school of having a snack while texting on his phone. He reported a bunch of kids were eating their lunches in the science teacher’s room these days, “It’s fun, a nice change from the cafeteria.”  So I started.Raising teens

I guess I was curious and not satisfied with the limited information I was getting verbally from him. I guess I wanted to assess the language used in the texting. And I just wanted to make sure they were not getting carried away with exchanging photos of a certain nature. I read the news, too. I was aware of what was happening in the world of teens and various forms of social media.

Their conversations were sweet — asking about homework, commenting on something that had happened in a shared class, a question about the other’s home life. I peeked in on these exchanges every few days. I felt guilty but justified. My friend supported me, telling me that she too had read her daughter’s phone messages. “So it’s not like the tv movie mom finding the diary under the mattress and then ruining their trust?”  Not in this day and age! Was her response. We need to know what our kids are doing, saying and sending each other.

The end of the year there was a field trip and a dance. There appeared to have been some events that occurred on the bus ride back to the school as well as the dance the following day. She inquired about his reaction on the bus. He explained in detail. Seemed to make sense to me that he didn’t feel like answering a truth or dare question from her friend.

“But why?” she persisted in her questioning. But why, what? I wondered. He didn’t feel like answering.

And later, my son wrote that he was upset, “Could you please let me know things are ok, I need to hear from you this weekend.” I ached inside for him. What happened? Could she write back soon to relieve the suspense?!

That week, he seemed more sullen.  I tried to be the cool, available mom. I waited patiently a few days, then asked, “Hey, I haven’t heard (her) name is a while, anything happening?”

My son replied, “Oh, not anymore. There were some things that happened at the dance. I thought she wanted to dance, then I couldn’t find her. Then I heard she was looking for me. It was messed up. I can’t really deal. I don’t know what she wants. It’s no biggie. We’re still friends.”

I was privately sad and proud of him. He seemed to really enjoy the flirting and the fun. But I respect that he didn’t have the interest for ambivalence.

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Mammogram Results

I had my annual mammogram done mid-May. I started going in for yearly ones in my late 30s; I’ve done the routine many times now. Yes, I know you will call me if there are concerns.

I got the call two days later. The radiologist saw something that was apparently not visible in the  year before– she had compared the films. I was instructed to come in for a more detailed mammogram. I returned later that week. This time the focus was on my right breast – a few specialized images were taken. The technician waved me over to look. In the magnified film of my breast are 5 white dots. Teeny tiny round dots, likes ones a finely sharpened white pencil would make.  A few together and two scattered. My initial reaction was: how did they see those in the one taken during my first appointment?  The radiologist came in and explained the dots are circular in shape, there are only a few, they were not noticed last year and appear to be new, and many women in their aging develop breast calcifications. All of these factors are not red flags. However, she continued, one time she let it go and her patient developed cancerous cells a year later.  Again, I was urged to continue with another more detailed procedure. I agreed to a biopsy for the following Monday.

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Isolation as a Special Needs Parent

Isolation

We went camping with 12 families over the long holiday weekend. We were invited to join this large group for a three night trip. We had not gone camping for a while — my youngest not able to handle the usual activities of hiking, quietly sleeping with others in a tent and appreciating the outdoors. So initially, I was ready to spend just one night with her, ready to pack up our belongings and drive back home if necessary. Instead we decided our family would join the others early Saturday and return home late Sunday night. We all wanted this to work out.  I know the names of all the parents and kids. I can identify the makes of the SUVs and vans they all drive. I can closely guess the grades the kids are in and the professions of the parents. Yet, I really don’t know most of these families that well. What I did find out during that weekend was that in our group, about ten households had an issue. I came to this awareness from listening to a parent of each family unit describe something troubling going on with their child — behaviors, medical concerns, mood disorder and social issues, sexuality, and learning problems. We all had children with special concerns. We all needed to seek professional help for our kids. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I saw my daughter in a different light– a more gentle glow. And my hubby and I relaxed a little. We were not going to stand out, we were not so different from the others. All those times we suffered behind our closed doors, disturbances were occurring in the privacy of other homes.

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Making the Decision to Adopt

Before You Make the Decision to Adopt, Think About This…

The decision to adopt. Hmm, it started years ago.  Pretty much after my second son’s birth.  Maybe we’ll adopt our third.  Maybe adopt from Asia, so she and I have some similarities.  She.  I went through two healthy pregnancies and uneventful deliveries.  My boys are close in age.  My body went through two and a half years of being prenatal, postnatal and back again.  I l-o-v-e-d the experiences of having babies.  But I did not want to go through it a third time.  I just did not have the desire to go through another pregnancy and delivery.  I felt blessed that everything had happened normally and in a healthy manner.  I was worried about jinxing things.decision to adopt

We decided I would not return to work.  I stayed at home with the boys.  We moved a few times, packed up our belongings, unpacked, got settled.  We went through the milestones– breastfeeding, moms groups, sleep deprivation, weaning, solid foods, crawling, walking, teething, temper tantrums, potty training, setting limits, nightmares.  The boys got older. And yet, the thought, the wish, the need did not go away.  I did not feel like I was done.  One day at the beginning of a school year my son said, “When am I getting a little sister?” I think he was six.  He explained that all his friends had one, when was he getting one?

That started the dialogue with my husband. Was it two-way? I had so much to say on the matter.  He was no longer gung ho about the idea.  All those times we met a family who had adopted and he inquired about the process.  All those times he said:  we’re going to do that some day.  Now, he said he felt our family was complete and we were evenly matched with two boys, why rock the boat?  We went through months of talking.  I agonized over this.  I wanted this so badly.  I wanted more kids, I wanted to go through the preschool years again, I wanted a daughter.

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