Open Adoption – Biological Parents

Open Adoption – Biological Parents

Our First Year of Adoption – Part 6

The truth is, I really did not want an open adoption. Initially, I was eager to explore international adoption.  I think part of that fantasy was whisking away a child from tragic conditions and letting her start a new life with us in the U.S.  I imagined meeting with the staff of an orphanage and receiving her case file. I would have information on her biological parents. Later we would decide if we wanted contact and how to go about doing so.open adoption - biological parents

In reality, we adopted a child from the state foster care system.  While she lived in a foster home, she had sporadic visits with her biological parents — who were no longer a couple. Over time, they were deemed no longer fit and the judge changed her plan to adoption. Over time their interest in keeping contact diminished.  Both failed to keep their appointments with the court mandated mediator. Months after she moved in with us, we were told there was not a mutual agreement in place; we would not be able to maintain contact with the biological parents. Sorry. Actually “wooo-hoooo!” was my response. Yes!

Who knows what things may be like when she is an adolescent; when she re-examines her values, ponders her life’s path and questions her identity. She may want to re-establish contact. We don’t know what forms of social media will be in fashion and what efforts are needed to find her biological relatives.

For that first year, I wondered about them. Not in a strange, inappropriate way. More along the lines of wondering about the grocery store clerk who helps you each week. Or the custodian at school who makes eye contact and gives a little nod in passing. Or the owner of the black lab that you see often on walks– she comes from the opposite direction, is bundled up with a scarf and walks briskly. I just wonder about people sometimes.  Maybe I did think about her birth parents more deeply. Did they agonize over the responsibilities of child caring? Were they relieved, maybe a little, when the judge changed the plan to adoption. Did they berate themselves? I wondered if they made efforts to change their ways and turn their lives around.

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Explaining Adoption to a Young Child

Explaining Adoption – Her Adoption Story

Our First Year of Adoption – Part 4

I received advice on explaining adoption and telling our child her adoption story. One suggestion was to let her tell her story when she is older and ready. Another was to say to others, “It’s personal.”  Another was to provide just simple facts when asked what happened to her… ? Does she have attachment issues?  What about her real parents, what happened? All of the professionals involved in the foster care to adoption program stressed the need to accept the past rather than deny it. I wonder how to preserve the past and protect her from damaging details. Whether she was planned or unplanned, her birth parents messed up repeatedly and she suffered.

It’s such a different inquiry from any line of questioning I had related to my biological kids. With them, I voluntarily commented on my labor experience or a teething issue in a moms playgroup. Others would contribute a personal anecdote. We’d laugh or gasp in response. Whereas, with any curiosity related to my adopted daughter, the questions are:  “Did you meet the birth mom? Do you still have contact with her? Was there abuse?” It’s so different.

I have struggled with the concept of her story. It is entirely up to me to inform her on her past. It is up to me to go over the events and turn them into memories. Do I want her to know what happened to her when she was a baby? What about the foster family and their child caring practices? How about the first three years she has been in our care. Do I recount the turmoil and exhaustion we have experienced? The weekly sessions in therapy?

One counselor we worked with kept reviewing all the parental figures. Mommy number one grew you in her tummy. Mommy number two was your foster mommy.  And now you are with your forever mommy, Mommy number three. Seriously? In my view, it goes more like this. First lady went through a pregnancy and delivery. She made a number of poor decisions which got the State involved; she neglected her baby. The second caregiver chose to foster only and to pass on adoption. She let her teenagers help out often with childcare. So what numbers are the teens? Mommies three, four, five and six?

I feel like my role as forever mommy trumps the others. I am the Mother of moms. I deserve more credit than they do for what I am doing here. I have worked really hard to parent her. I’m not denying their roles in her life, I needed the others to get my child adopted. I just don’t understand the necessity to call them mommies. They were people in her life. The counselor working with her to prepare for adoption called the birth mother “sick”. Another concept that is troubling to me.

explaining adoption to young child

A mother bear wishes for a cub, who loves hearing his adoption story.

I have told my daughter that her first mommy had a lot of problems. The caseworker took her away from her first mommy and daddy because they did not know how to take care of a baby. The foster family took care of her while the judge made a decision– it was a very important decision. The judge took a very long time. The foster mother and the foster family gave her a place to live, food to eat, and a bed. They hoped that the judge would make a good plan for her. The judge decided that S should be with us because we know how to take care of children. We do not have any problems and we will be able to take care of her forever. The judge knew that we wished for a little girl and we wanted a third child.

That is a brief version of the story I tell her whenever she asks, which is often. I feel her need to hear that she was wished for.  I feel the yearning for being wanted. I just don’t know how to reconcile her early beginning from my tale.

Part 5 – How Old are You?!

Anxiety and Trauma

Anxiety and Trauma in a Young Child — Let Me Explain

Our First Year of Adoption – Part 3

Our new therapist Beth reviewed anxiety and trauma related behaviors. She described what anxiety looks like in a young child, like ours. She noted we may hear non-stop questioning of the same issue. I experienced this first hand. Every day, a flurry of questions related to dinner. When will a meal be served, what will be served, will she receive this meal, who else?  I remember how S asked about the dinner meal and I would answer. Not a big deal for me, everyone is curious about dinner. She then started asking earlier and earlier in the day, and more often throughout the day. After a week, she sat there with her breakfast and while chomping, she asked, “So what are we having for dinner tonight? …ok and what about tomorrow? What are we havin’ for dinner?”  Tearful distress when I laughed in response.  Beth went over the non stop chatter to fill the void. Yup, we knew that expression. Lived with it. S opened her mouth from the moment she opened her eyes, and closed it when she fell into a deep sleep.  Beth described S as an empty well, explaining that she had not experienced love and nurturing before. As a result she has a lot of anxiety around feeling loved. Oh yes. That must be why it is nearly impossible for her to be alone in a room and to be denied attention.

anxiety and trauma

All households have differences

Beth reported underlying this constant stream of neediness were key questions: will I stay here, will I be accepted, will they take care of my needs. Beth told us three birthdays, three Thanksgivings, three Christmases, and three school years for the older kids. Then, she will relax. What’s that? Beth noted S experienced three of each event in the foster home and was suddenly removed from that home. She was then transferred to our home. So yes, three of each. Then she can relax.

Beth talked to us often about how our young child knows only a handful of feelings, most likely happy, sad, angry, and curious. We needed to explain and describe other feelings. She was probably experiencing different versions of anxiety and not understanding that particular emotion. Saying things like, “I wonder if you are feeling _____ about (the situation)” would help her understand feeling anxious, bored, frustrated, nervous, worried, eager, and irritated. Beth discussed from time to time the need to go over her story. It was not necessary to repeatedly go over details like one is cramming for an exam, but rather to talk about her past like you do with any kid and a special memory. Beth suggested reminding our daughter of just the significant events. When she is older, if and when she wants to, she can tell others her story.

Part 4 – Her Story