Anxiety and Trauma in a Young Child — Let Me Explain
Our First Year of Adoption – Part 3
Our new therapist Beth reviewed anxiety and trauma related behaviors. She described what anxiety looks like in a young child, like ours. She noted we may hear non-stop questioning of the same issue. I experienced this first hand. Every day, a flurry of questions related to dinner. When will a meal be served, what will be served, will she receive this meal, who else? I remember how S asked about the dinner meal and I would answer. Not a big deal for me, everyone is curious about dinner. She then started asking earlier and earlier in the day, and more often throughout the day. After a week, she sat there with her breakfast and while chomping, she asked, “So what are we having for dinner tonight? …ok and what about tomorrow? What are we havin’ for dinner?” Tearful distress when I laughed in response. Beth went over the non stop chatter to fill the void. Yup, we knew that expression. Lived with it. S opened her mouth from the moment she opened her eyes, and closed it when she fell into a deep sleep. Beth described S as an empty well, explaining that she had not experienced love and nurturing before. As a result she has a lot of anxiety around feeling loved. Oh yes. That must be why it is nearly impossible for her to be alone in a room and to be denied attention.
Beth reported underlying this constant stream of neediness were key questions: will I stay here, will I be accepted, will they take care of my needs. Beth told us three birthdays, three Thanksgivings, three Christmases, and three school years for the older kids. Then, she will relax. What’s that? Beth noted S experienced three of each event in the foster home and was suddenly removed from that home. She was then transferred to our home. So yes, three of each. Then she can relax.
Beth talked to us often about how our young child knows only a handful of feelings, most likely happy, sad, angry, and curious. We needed to explain and describe other feelings. She was probably experiencing different versions of anxiety and not understanding that particular emotion. Saying things like, “I wonder if you are feeling _____ about (the situation)” would help her understand feeling anxious, bored, frustrated, nervous, worried, eager, and irritated. Beth discussed from time to time the need to go over her story. It was not necessary to repeatedly go over details like one is cramming for an exam, but rather to talk about her past like you do with any kid and a special memory. Beth suggested reminding our daughter of just the significant events. When she is older, if and when she wants to, she can tell others her story.
Part 4 – Her Story